Bitty Kitty’s Weblog

I’ve put all of my love and attention into my Portland blog while this poor blog sits neglected and inert. I like this blog very much though. It’s pretty. And it’s mine, no sharing. I’ve been trying to write more lately, personal things and my stories. I woke up the other morning with a good story idea just floating inside my head. It’s nice when the lady muse drops in for a visit. Now I just need to summon the gumption to finish a story that I start. 

The last few weeks I’ve been inundated with stressful situations. I don’t think I should get into all of those things now, but I’ll give you a list and you may also ask later for details: 

1. The Car
2. Oregon Driver’s licenses
3. The Locksmith
4. The Tub
5. My Phone
6. Family stuff
7. Work
8. Future (Schools, GRE, writing…)

These things are all colliding and everything keeps going wrong. Every time I try to fix one of these situations, there’s a road block that stops me. My plate is piled high and I can’t get any of this stuff taken care of for one reason or another. It’s really making me feel sick. I hate being stressed out. I’ve felt frayed and at the end of my rope for a while now. 

However, just when I thought I was going to explode from all this crap, I happened upon a beautiful sketch book on sale at Barnes and Noble. It’s blue with pretty birds on it. I decided that the book would be my outlet for all this noxious crap that has been mucking up my life. It has helped. When I need to vent, I open my book and write a few words about what I’m feeling or I sketch for a while until I feel less stressed. This blog hasn’t been my venting tool for a while, because I feel sad always making stressed-out posts. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try to post happy thoughts on this blog.

Yesterday my mom shared with me a quotation that she liked very much:

“‘Discipline’ is simply remembering what you really want.” 

I like it very much too. I don’t think I’ve been very disciplined lately, and maybe that’s why things are going wrong. I’ve been trying to get myself back on track. Even with all this stress, I still want to feel at peace with my life, and that’s not easy. On a positive note, I think my vocab studies have been going very well. I’m going to take the GRE this fall and see how it goes. It’s scary. I’m scared. But I gotta push forward though all this crap and get something going.

Working in a dental office doesn’t inspire much creativity. It has inspired a few illnesses, and for those of you who know me, know I am not often prone to such things. Children are dirty, but I still want some. I’ve decided to name my two daughters Rowen and Laurel.  We three shall be a trifecta of sorts, but no replacement for THE trifecta (as if that must be said).  But I digress.  I’ve made a few feeble attempts to put my thoughts to virtual paper, but to no avail.  The most good my English skills have done as of late are winning me some points on “Scene it” because I understand the difficulty most people have when using the word “myriad.” No, it does not require a preposition when used as an adjective. And no, I’m not going to explain how that knowledge gained me points in a movie trivia game. The point I suppose I am painstakingly making is that I’m not sure where I’m at with myself. I truly am enjoying this adventure out west, and I love my face like nobody’s business. By face I mean boyfriend, but most of you know that I think.  But there is still something else.  I’ve been thinking a lot about how small our time is here, and how easily each day slips to the next.  My mother’s friend from work is dying. My mother said to me, “He thought he’d have more time.” Of course he thought so.  I think in the end, especially a young end, we all think so.  Most people don’t really live long enough to think they’ve had enough time, even if they’ve lived 100 years. But he only had 50 or so, and that really isn’t a long time. Neither is 23 years, and those could be cut short anytime. You just never know when you’ll be lying there, wondering where it all slipped away too.  Many long, hectic, angry, sleepy days at work, and perhaps a few fleeting moments with loved ones.  I really don’t feel as pessimistic as it seems to be coming out, but I feel strange about it.  How do we know if we’re taking advantage of every moment?  I don’t feel that I am.  I feel bored at my work and uninspired in the thing that I feel I’m meant to be doing. Uninspired and also, let’s be honest, a little scared.  Creation is scary.  You put something out there for the world to see and that something is a tangible, critiqueable part of yourself. It’s part of your soul.  It’s scary facing the thoughts that there may not be enough inside to make something worth while.  I think that’s all I really wanted to say.  Maybe something good is brewing inside and I just don’t know about it yet.

Harumph.

Yesterday my mom took my cat Midnight to the vet and had her put down. She had been sick, and a few days ago she stopped eating and drinking. My mom said that Midnight was ready. She didn’t put up any fuss when my mom bathed her, and when they put her down, she just stared into my mom’s eyes until she was gone.

Midnight has been a part of our family since I was five years old. Needless to say, she lived a very good, long life. I’m sad that I couldn’t be there when it was time for her to go, and I’m sad that she’s no longer a part of our lives. 

I know that it sounds ridiculous, but I feel responsible in a way. She was doing really well before we moved out here, but after she just went down hill. My mom said that she spent a lot of time in my room, and in the hallway staring and the spot where Wyatt’s cage used to be. She was probably wondering where we had gone and if we’d be back. When I’d go off to school, she’d always be really upset that I had left, but I always came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, I was just gone.

She used to follow me around the house. She spent most of her time in my room, and sometimes if I was sleeping really still, she’d crawl up and sleep on my stomach. I stopped petting her as much when my allergies got really bad. Honestly, I always felt guilty for not paying more attention to her when I was home. Now I’m feeling even more guilty because I left and never came back. At least that’s what it might have seemed like to her. I feel like I abandened her at the end of her life. I know that she was very old and her time had come. But I’m just feeling a little blue and a little guilty about the whole thing. 

I’ll miss her a lot. I do already.

That is all.

I like this new one very much. I like grass. Some people eat grass. I’ve never eaten grass myself, aside from a few blades as a kid. That was more out of curiosity, not a real commitment to getting a meal out it. Cows eat grass. It sounds less appealing though when it’s called cud. Maybe if I had four stomaches I would eat grass. Maybe it only takes two stomaches to eat grass, and the cows are just going over kill. Who’s to say?

So I haven’t blogged in a long time. My apologies.

I got a job! Yay! Pay is 13 dollars an hour with benefits after 90 days. I’m a receptionist at a pediatric dental office, and guess what? My benefits don’t include dental. AWESOME. I guess I had better start flossing. My co-worker, who has the exact same job description as me and was hired at the same time, has decided that we are not co-workers but competitors. She’s really cold, passive aggressive, and has been pissing me off since day one. Every day I feel like I’m battling for my job. That’s worse that interviewing for jobs. Anyway, blah, I’m going to annihilate her with a ray gun next Thursday. I’ll tell you how it goes. 

Despite having steady employment, I’m still worry on a regular basis about our continued residence in the Pacific Northwest. Boyfriend still hasn’t found a job, and we really need two incomes if we’re going to make it. We can’t afford to come home for Christmas, and I’ve been really sad about it. Thanksgiving was rough. I spent the entire day on Wednesday curled up on the couch crying. Good thing I had the day off. I’m not sure how Christmas will be. Needless to say, I miss my family, and I miss the Trifecta. 

As far as future plans go, I got nothing. I haven’t scheduled the GRE yet and I haven’t been doing any writing. My muse has visited me a few times, but I’m ignoring her. I don’t know why. No good reason really. I guess I’m just sort of paralyzed with this fear of failing at my future. That doesn’t really make sense. I’m not sure how to put it into words what I’m going through. It’s sort of an identity crisis. I’m sure lots of people go through this in their twenties, but they don’t talk about it. Everybody just talks about how awesome their twenties were and how they wish they could be that age again. Maybe I’ll enjoy the latter half anyway.

On the bright side, I did make a delicious Thanksgiving meal including homemade biscuits and pumpkin pie made from my pumpkin Gloria. She was delicious. I also cooked a very tasty turkey, and I ate some. GASP. I didn’t want to give up the turkey tradition. Thankfully, the holiday indulgence didn’t make me miss meat. If anything, it reinforced my vegetarianism. I think I’m in for the long haul…but I probably will continue to make turkeys on Thanksgiving. I like tradition.

Also, I saw the movie Twilight. It was decent. The vampires were pretty sexy, and the plot was good. It took itself way to seriously at times, but those parts were just hilarious. Nikki and I had a nice time chatting and laughing throughout the movie. We also paid fifteen dollars for a large soda, large popcorn, and a box of Junior mints. Yeah.

The scrap of hope that was the subject of my last post has come to nothing. I can’t believe it’s almost effing NOVEMBER and I am still unemployed. Who thought it would be this bad? Honestly, I’m so stressed out I’m not sure what to do. I’m scared out of my mind. What if I can’t even get a job at Starbucks? Yes, it’s come to that. If I find an opening at Starbucks, I’m applying.

About grad school. I’m not sure what I want to do with my future. I’m not ready to take the GRE and honestly I don’t want to. I haven’t found any schools, and I don’t want to look. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I am so focused on getting a job that I can’t really plan for anything else. But what if I get a job here? I don’t see myself starting a life career here. I’d just be working to pay my rent which is something I never wanted to do. Dark times.

Today I had an interview at the Daily Journal of Commerce. Yay! I thought that the interview went pretty well, and the editor said that I’d most likely be receiving a call back for the next round of interviews. I have no clue how many other applicants there are, but I’m feeling hopeful. It seems like a place I’d really enjoy working. In other job news, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t get the position at the publishing company, and I haven’t heard back from anybody else. I suppose if nothing pans out, I can always work at McDonald’s. Serving up a fresh order of McFuture.  

Jobbing aside, I’ve been cooking like crazy. Last night I made delicious black been burritos and guacamole, and right now I’m eating homemade chicken(less) noodle soup. It’s good. And I bought a tiny pie pumpkin at the store yesterday and have since settled on the name Gloria. If I can bear to cut her open, Gloria will become pie. And I got Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales for two dollars at a used book store. I know. Cheap things are awesome. Finally, I miss the trifecta. Always thinking of you.

I thought, rather I hoped, it was a joke. I saw a commercial passing HFCS off as all-natural. The commercial dialogue between two moms went something like this: 

Mom 1 to Mom 2 who is pouring unnamed punch for kids: Why are you giving the kids that? It’s full of high fructose corn syrup.

Mom 2: (giving a condescending look) So?

Mom 1: Well haven’t you heard that high fructose corn syrup is bad? It contains unhealthy ingredients. 

Mom 2: (condescending) Like what? Corn? All natural ingredients?

Mom 1: Uh…uh…oh…I like your top.

That’s not verbatim, but you get the idea. Even better, there’s a website using FDA quotes and studies funded by who knows who claiming that HFCS is natural and beneficial. It’s all propaganda. I never thought I’d see something so blatantly contrived and produced in my life time, but here it is.

I went to the website given at the end of the commercial so I could “get the facts,” and they’re saying that HFCS is the same as sugar so it’s not bad for you. In fact, both have many benefits! Like sugar is helpful and beneficial because it makes ginger snaps crunchy! How important to one’s health! And HFCS is beneficial because it makes soft cookies soft! What a relief!

If you want to read more of this shit, and trust me there’s more, visit sweetsurprise.com. 

I am blind with anger and very, very sad. I can’t believe our nation has come to this. Over half our population is battling obesity, and the corn corporations are doing all they can to keep their profits up even if it harms the health of our nation. sick sick sick. Don’t ask me why I’m not a “patriot” because I don’t understand how anybody can be proud of a nation whose citizens crawl and stomp over each other trying to get to the top. Our country is full of greedy bastards who will do anything and harm anyone to get ahead. I fear that a sad dystopia lies in our future.